The Appearance of Helpfulness vs. The Reality of Control

The Reflection

Chapter 2 of The Enchiridion has taken on a deeper meaning for me. During a recent conflict, my partner mentioned that I "force" them to make all the decisions. From my point of view, I was simply asking for an opinion.

I see now that the "miss" was not accepting their answer right away. I would ask, "Are you sure?" or offer suggested alternatives. In my haste to be "helpful," I was actually placing undue stress on them. Because I had an Aversion to future conflict, I didn’t trust them to give an "accurate" answer—meaning the answer I expected or desired to hear to ensure peace

I was treating their answers as targets to hit, rather than practicing Justice by respecting their agency. By questioning the first answer, I was subconsciously trying to control what is not mine: another person's mind and the outcome of our interaction. I was applying Aversion to something beyond my control.

The Commitment

I commit to accepting the first answer provided, without the "Are you sure?" I know I’m about to falter when that voice in the back of my mind—the Lone Wolf—starts to whisper, *"But is that what they really want?"*

I recently missed an opportunity to practice this. My partner offered to take over a household chore, but the Lone Wolf whispered, reminding me of past conflicts. I took agency away from them and finished the chore anyway, against their expressed wishes. I see now that when the Lone Wolf whispers, it is masquerading as helpfulness, but it is actually an attempt to protect my own ego and control the environment

The Practice

Treat that whisper as a semblance. Say to it: “You are just an appearance of helpfulness, but in reality, you are an attempt to control what is not mine.” My aim is to be a supportive partner through gentleness and moderation, regardless of the external "target" or answer I receive.

🛠 The Handle: Community Prompt

In Enchiridion 43, Epictetus says every situation has two handles: one by which it can be borne, and one by which it cannot.

When you feel the urge to "over-help" or second-guess a loved one to avoid a "blowout," which handle are you grabbing? How can you shift your grip to the handle of "Gentleness and Moderation" today?

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